Phineous Trout, Veruca, & Mr. Salt
PHINEOUS TROUT
Ladies and Gentlemen, the worldwide rush for Wonka Bars is getting bigger by the minute. It seems a second Golden Ticket has been found. We’re off to our live remote in Sao Paulo, Brazil, where things are “sweet” for Veronica Salt.
VERUCA
That’s Veruca, you imbecile! Veruca, Veruca, Veruca!
PHINEOUS TROUT
So, Mr. Salt, I understand you “sweetened” Veruca’s chances with a little assistance?
MR. SALT
As soon as my little girl told me that she simply had to have one of those Golden Tickets, I bought hundreds of thousands of Wonka Bars. I’m in the nut business - peanuts, cashews, but mainly Brazil nuts. So I had my factory girls stop shelling Brazil nuts and start shelling wrappers.
VERUCA
Daddy, that hideous reporter said my name wrong, on live television! Can’t you get him fired?
MR. SALT
For you dear, anything…anyway…after days of shelling chocolate, one of my factory gals finally found the blasted Golden Ticket. I let her take the lucky piece of chocolate home to her seventeen kids…
PHINEOUS TROUT
(sarcastically)
How generous!
VERUCA
Daddy, now he’s being sarcastic! I want him fired. Fired! You hear me? Fired, fired, fired!
Charlie & Grandpa Joe
GRANDPA JOE
Charlie, look here.
CHARLIE
A Wonka Nutty Crunch Surprise!
GRANDPA JOE
Shh…
CHARLIE
But, where’d you get it?
GRANDPA JOE
I’ve been saving - open it!
CHARLIE
I can’t, I’m too nervous. You open it.
GRANDPA JOE
Let’s do it together. A lifetime supply of chocolate. One…two…three…
CHARLIE
Nothing. A good thing, really…’cos chocolate’s very fattening.
GRANDPA JOE
You’re right, Charlie. A lifetime supply of it - you’d be the size of the dome on Capitol Hill!
CHARLIE
I wish I’d never heard of candy - or Wonka!
Charlie, look here.
CHARLIE
A Wonka Nutty Crunch Surprise!
GRANDPA JOE
Shh…
CHARLIE
But, where’d you get it?
GRANDPA JOE
I’ve been saving - open it!
CHARLIE
I can’t, I’m too nervous. You open it.
GRANDPA JOE
Let’s do it together. A lifetime supply of chocolate. One…two…three…
CHARLIE
Nothing. A good thing, really…’cos chocolate’s very fattening.
GRANDPA JOE
You’re right, Charlie. A lifetime supply of it - you’d be the size of the dome on Capitol Hill!
CHARLIE
I wish I’d never heard of candy - or Wonka!
Wonka/Candy Man & Charlie
CANDY MAN
Oh, Charlie, would you grab that last case of Nut Crunchies for me?
Don’t want ‘em to freeze….
CHARLIE
Sure.
(CHARLIE spots a coin.)
I think you dropped this coin.
CANDY MAN
What’s this? It’s not mine. Take it home to your folks.
CHARLIE
You think I should? Maybe I should put up a notice…
CANDY MAN
Ah, that coin’s probably been buried in the snow for weeks. Take it, Charlie.
And take this for being such a good kid.
(The CANDY MAN gives CHARLIE a Wonka bar.)
CHARLIE
Really?
CANDY MAN
Really. You look like you’re starving.
CHARLIE
Thanks, I’d better get to school.
(CHARLIE crosses to exit, stops, and crosses back to the CANDY MAN.)
Do you think I could have just one more? I’ll pay for it.
CANDY MAN
Why not? What’ll it be, Charlie, my boy?
CHARLIE
Well, I think I’ll share this one with my family…Grandpa Joe likes the Whipple-Scrumptious Fudgemallow Delight, but Grandma Josephina likes the Nutt-a-riffic.
CANDY MAN
Then you should get the Whipple-Scrumptious Nutt-a-riffic Totally Twisted Combo bar. Just out. Here you go. I know you’re going to share it and all, but you might as well take a little taste. You know, to make sure it’s not bad or anything.
Oh, Charlie, would you grab that last case of Nut Crunchies for me?
Don’t want ‘em to freeze….
CHARLIE
Sure.
(CHARLIE spots a coin.)
I think you dropped this coin.
CANDY MAN
What’s this? It’s not mine. Take it home to your folks.
CHARLIE
You think I should? Maybe I should put up a notice…
CANDY MAN
Ah, that coin’s probably been buried in the snow for weeks. Take it, Charlie.
And take this for being such a good kid.
(The CANDY MAN gives CHARLIE a Wonka bar.)
CHARLIE
Really?
CANDY MAN
Really. You look like you’re starving.
CHARLIE
Thanks, I’d better get to school.
(CHARLIE crosses to exit, stops, and crosses back to the CANDY MAN.)
Do you think I could have just one more? I’ll pay for it.
CANDY MAN
Why not? What’ll it be, Charlie, my boy?
CHARLIE
Well, I think I’ll share this one with my family…Grandpa Joe likes the Whipple-Scrumptious Fudgemallow Delight, but Grandma Josephina likes the Nutt-a-riffic.
CANDY MAN
Then you should get the Whipple-Scrumptious Nutt-a-riffic Totally Twisted Combo bar. Just out. Here you go. I know you’re going to share it and all, but you might as well take a little taste. You know, to make sure it’s not bad or anything.
Mike Teavee, Ms. Teavee, & Wonka
WONKA
Mike Teavee?
MS. TEAVEE
Mike, it’s-
MIKE
(watching TV)
Shut your pie-hole, toots. Didn’t I tell you not to interrupt! This is the best part! Crack, smack, whack! Dead. Did you see him die? That was so totally awesome!
WONKA
Mr. Mike Teavee and guest?
MIKE
Hold your pantyhose, a commercial’s coming up.
MS. TEAVEE
Here’s our ticket, Mr. Wonka.
WONKA
Scrumptious. Oh, and Mike, there’s no television reception in the factory.
MIKE
None?
WONKA
None whatsoever…
Mike Teavee?
MS. TEAVEE
Mike, it’s-
MIKE
(watching TV)
Shut your pie-hole, toots. Didn’t I tell you not to interrupt! This is the best part! Crack, smack, whack! Dead. Did you see him die? That was so totally awesome!
WONKA
Mr. Mike Teavee and guest?
MIKE
Hold your pantyhose, a commercial’s coming up.
MS. TEAVEE
Here’s our ticket, Mr. Wonka.
WONKA
Scrumptious. Oh, and Mike, there’s no television reception in the factory.
MIKE
None?
WONKA
None whatsoever…